Dr. Squid's B-Movie Reviews: Review: Satan's Storybook

(these reviews are reprinted from the Dr. Squid zine, originally published in the late 1990s through the early 2000s)

My friend John and I were scanning the horror section of our local video shop when the sight of porn star Ginger Lynn Allen in a black bikini/warrior outfit caught our eyes. A few bloody pics on the back including a clown with sharp metal teeth made us take a chance on renting Satan's Storybook. As expected, Ginger is only in a little bit of the movie. This 1989 shot on video feature starts with some black demon ninjas fighting a white-clad ninja who has kidnapped a goth-looking chick with black lipstick. Turns out that the white ninja is Ginger and she has kidnapped Satan's bride, as part of a prophecy about some good girl killing the woman who would bear Satan's child: the antichrist. We hear all this through a long monologue from Ginger after she spins out of her ninja getup and into the barbarian bikini. She literally spins and ends up in a different outfit. Sorry, no nudity in this feature.

Cut to a goat-headed Satan sitting on his throne, surrounded by smoke. He's mighty pissed that the babe he was about to impregnate has been taken so he sends his minions after Ginger. To pass the time while he waits, he calls upon his Jester, who pops up out of the floor fog and proceeds to dance around like a dork between telling a few tales for the horned one's amusement (hence the title Satan's Storybook - I knew it would turn into an anthology sometime). The first tale is about the "Demon of Death," a psycho serial killer dressed in 80's cliche heavy metal garb. He picks a name out of the phone book and goes to kill her. Problem is that the girl he wants is a clairvoyant, and her mom is a witch. He slaughters the family in a pretty bloody style, but then gets gunned down by the cops. He doesn't die, though so he's carted off to prison and is sent to the electric chair. Meanwhile, his last intended victim is having a seance to call upon her dead mom for guidance on how to get revenge on the killer.

After a trite twist ending, the Jester tells his second tale, that of an alcoholic clown who is all washed up and decides to hang himself. After the hanging he is visited by another clown and there is a loooooong sequence of boring dialogue. Finally the bad clown reveals his spikey metal teeth and tells the drunk clown that he is dead and is going to hell. Cut back to Ginger, who is wandering through the woods with Satan's bride in tow. She is suddenly surrounded by a bunch of guys in cloaks and halloween masks and proceeds to vanish like Obi Wan Kenobi on the Death Star. After the bride decides she doesn't want to bear Satan's kid after all, we get a red, smokey shot of Ginger saying (implying a sequel no less!) that they'll meet again and the credits roll.

This was baaad, folks, sorry to say. I mean, Ginger did OK I guess, but wasn't in most of the movie. The folks who were in most of the movie were pretty awful. The effects were cheesy overall, but they did get some good make-up guys to work on this thing. Satan's make-up was pretty good as was some of his minions. Even the halloween masks were pretty cool-looking. But geez, none of that makes it worth sitting through this thing.